Archive for ‘White elephant’

May 23, 2012

Blind Luck?

Like mixing metaphors, mixing design elements can be unsuccessful, or in particularly bad cases result in explosive releases of “What The . . .?”

For example . . . at first glance this resembles a cornicello or lucky horn. But then there is the small matter of the blindfolded woman at the top which is where things seem to go somewhat awry.

I suspect (hope) that the designer/maker intended for it to symbolize blind luck.

This brass cornicello/blindfolded maiden is 7 3/4 inches long and weighs over one pound. Given the size and mass it is a bit big to be worn as jewelry.

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May 22, 2012

Along The Shore At The Edge Of Genius

 

There is little space between the island of  genius and the raging sea of madness. In fact, the sandy shore where they meet is characterized by crashing waves of wild white horses.

Wild White Horses is the title of this work and it was originally executed by Violet Skinner in the early 1960′s.

 It measures 37 inches by 22 inches and originally sold at Meier & Frank so it was a mass-produced item not a kitschy one-off.

Genius or Madness?

Art?

Take a look at the slide show below then vote in the poll. Remember to vote early and often, it is an election year!

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May 19, 2012

The Golden Girls

Before they were old the Golden Girls were youthful dancers. Except Betty White who was too busy practicing her expletives.

Just under 14 inches tall.

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May 14, 2012

My Maserati Did 185

Now I take the bus, walk or bike because I can’t afford the insurance, but Life’s Been Good.

Maserati club car badge and belt buckle. The buckle is 2 1/2 inches high and the car badge is about 4 3/4 inches tall, or perfect for attaching to your bicycle rack. If there’s any question about whose bike it is when you’re attempting to force the lock with a set of bolt cutters because you lost your keys (again) at dollar Pabst and (tofu) wing night, you can just flash your belt buckle like a diplomatic passport in a smoke and whiskey-vapor filled second world drinking establishment.

It may not save your skin, but you might have enough time to run for a bus.

Badge: $30; buckle $10

May 8, 2012

They’re So Cute When They’re Little

But then they grow up and the next thing you know they’re hurtling through space from the main belt, or the Kuiper belt or the Washington Beltway intent on malevolent planetary destruction.

Maybe if you get your pet rock when its still small and trainable (1 1/2 by 1 1/4 inches,  like this one) it won’t grow up to be an asteroid-hole.

April 30, 2012

We Don’t Clown Around

Except when we do.

Years ago we had a little creepy clown figurine. Somehow* it ended up in a mandolin slicer box that was then put on a sales shelf. Poor Margaret found it and was not pleased. I think that’s understandable, how would you feel if you opened a box to see if all the parts were there only to be greeted by a little purple haired creepy thing?

He stayed around for a while but then we sold him to one of Margaret’s friends who was traveling out-of-state with her so that the clown could make another unexpected appearance.

Oddly we haven’t seen much of Margaret since.

We’re pleased to offer a slightly less creepy, but still sort of sketchy clown doll. This one is too big to fit into a mandolin slicer box, but small enough to fit in carry-on luggage. He stands (sits?) 14 inches tall and has a ceramic head and hands.

It is in good condition.

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*”Somehow.” I put it in the box intending to surprise the person pricing when they checked to  see if all the parts were there. They didn’t check and so the joke had an unintended victim.

 

April 27, 2012

A Broadside Of Lamps!

These have been sitting in the back for a few days because I thought I should see if they work and come up with something pithy to say about them.

Let us let it go at “they work.”

We have a very nice ‘blue drip’ art pottery lamp by Blue Spruce Pottery of Bend. It stands 274 inches tall overall and the ceramic body is 13 1/2 inches tall and 6 1/2 inches in diameter.

                                    

We also have an older art pottery lamp that was bought at the Saturday Market about 30 years ago. Unfortunately we don’t know the potter. It stands 25 inches tall and the ceramic body is 13 1/2 inches tall and 9 inches in diameter.

            

Then there is an ‘awesome’ ceramic lamp from 1984. I’m not familiar with the makers stamp but it’s a wonder to behold (if there was ever a lamp required a day-glow neon fluorescent bulb it is this one). It stands 22 inches tall and the ceramic body is 10 inches tall and 7 inches in diameter.

                                       

Finally we have this cool brass looking but probably some sort of other metal urn-shaped lamp with a glass globe and figurative swan handles. It probably once had a glass chimney to complete the faux oil-lamp look but it’s gone and the one I have in reserve for such occasions is too big to fit (it figures). Overall it is 19 1/2 inches tall and the shade is 10 1/2 inches in diameter.

             

April 20, 2012

Folding Barbeque Tool Set

“But officer there is nothing on the TSA prohibited items list that states barbeque tools aren’t allowed in carry-on luggage!”

This folding BBQ tool set by Brookstone (“Purveyors of the obscure, the unnecessary and the useless since 1973″) will easily fit into your overnight bag and will probably pass security unnoticed, especially if you do a strip tease at the screening area.

It measures a modest 12 3/4 inches long when folded and extends to 20 inches. Included are a spatula, fork, knife and meat thermometer.

If your plane goes down on a deserted island (and you survive) and all you have to eat are feral pigs and wild sausages you are totally in luck with this handy tool.

Providing you brought a source of fire that is, because a lighter isn’t included. If not the thermometer will be there, like an old friend, to remind you how it was ready, but you dropped the ball. And, by the way, aren’t those cold hotdogs simply wonderful?

April 12, 2012

Does Your Cigar Tastes Like Dachshund?

If so you might be smoking a Brodhaven cigar like the one that originally came in this case.

Approximately 10 inches long, with removable hind-end*.

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*If your cigar tastes like the burnt wooden derriere of a dachshund you also might be smoking a Brodhaven cigar like the one that originally came in this case.

March 26, 2012

Posable Pee Wee Herman

Pee Wee Herman!

His arms and legs flex so he can strike the pose of your choice (within reason).

The doll is about 12 inches tall and in OK condition. This is not one of the talking dolls (thank goodness).

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March 23, 2012

Coniferous Duck

Unlike deciduous ducks it doesn’t ‘leave’ in the fall.

5 1/2 inches long.

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March 17, 2012

Can I Have Just One Bite?

Thanks for everything.

And I mean everything.

47 1/2 inches long.

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March 12, 2012

Caviar Shell Set

I asked one of my co-workers if she thought these might be a caviar set, she replied. “Do I look like I’d know what a caviar set looks like?”

Obviously I missed a significant social cue.

However that really was a valid response when you work for a non-profit.

I had to ask anyway because I too work for a non-profit.

The last time I ate anything like caviar it was salmon egg fish bait and that was only because there was an easy $5 bill in it for me. The trick to eating weird things for quick cash is to not smell it or chew it (unless specified in the bet) but to just gulp it down. It helps if the cash is in the hands of a sympathetic third-party before you do it.

The bigger mother-of-pearl looking pieces are about 7 inches in diameter. The little cups are smaller and there are only 7 of them.

We’re selling them all as a lot for $35.

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February 19, 2012

Going To HE-Double-Hockey-Sticks In A Handbag?

Here at the House-Of-Ugly we have standards. Admittedly they’re kind of loose standards since we’re not terribly fond of rules. The practical result is someplace there’s a point where ugly is too ugly, where something isn’t cool even if aesthetically questionable.

Welcome to the border.

I can’t decide which side of that line between ugly/cool and ugly/ugly this lies on. It’s best if you do.

This lamp features an old handbag with some lovely accoutrements attached. It still works OK and stands about 19 inches tall.

My understanding is that this was a white elephant gift at a long ago holiday party. It’s unclear to me how it all went down but apparently there was some sort of big conflict over this lamp that nearly resulted in a fist fight. The ‘proud’ owner of the lamp at the end of the night hasn’t been to a white elephant exchange since and I think that was some 20 years ago.

Now’s your chance to light a dark corner, own a spectacular piece of vernacular assemblage art and/or sew discord amongst your peers.

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February 6, 2012

What The Shell?

Or rather who since it’s a on owl made out of little shells, and carefully cut bits of shell, and two googlie eyes; all glued to a piece of Styrofoam. Isn’t that clever?

With this the documented Estate Store collection of birds made out of molluscs officially doubles.  Once upon a time we had the shell chicken, now this. This represents a major evolutionary step however, the shell chicken was just a bunch of little shells glued together but this has a cape made of shells that have been specifically cut for the job. That must have drove production costs way up. . .

Regardless, if you’re a collector of birds made of marine items, oddities, owls, grotesqueness, or are looking out for a good April Fool’s gag gift then you might want to give us a call.

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January 27, 2012

Rupert The Giraffe

Rupert knew he was special, not just because his mother told his so, but because the light of the world emanated from his hind-end.

Approximately 20 inches tall by 14 inches wide and features a plastic giraffe 3/4 mounted on a brushed copper plate with savannah scene.  The photo doesn’t do it justice as it’s not quite as red as the picture above,  yet not as pale as the picture below and the strange effect of the light is best viewed in person.

The Watercloset Gallery will be open from 10 am to 4 pm.

January 22, 2012

Omni Exploration: We Look For Everything & Drink To It Too

Old King Coal was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl
And he called for his miners three.
But Omni Exploration
Breathed hell fire and damnation;
And drilled a well straight to hell;
With a steely goad struck the mother lode,
Drilling for dollars in the land of the free.
Every driller he had a drill,
And a very fine drill had he;
Oh there’s none cooked so well, burnt in hell
As Old King Coal and Omni’s miners three.   

Set of six tumblers featuring the corporate logo and landscape vision of Omni Exploration. The perfect gift for the petro-capitalist in your life, your rich uncle or a gag gift for your favorite tree hugger.

They’re still in the original shipping box from November 1977 and include a Seasons Greetings card indicating that these were probably stockholder gifts.

Not surprisingly they appear unused.

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January 21, 2012

A Piano Walks Into A Bear Bar

He’s not wearing pants. . . .wait, that’s not right.

Let’s try it again.

A Bear Walks Into A Piano Bar.

He’s not wearing pants, but who’s going to counsel a bear with fashion advice?

That’s the nice thing about being a bear. No one is going to tell you that denim is passé, or that you shouldn’t spend a soggy winter day sleeping in.

Really though this is about the piano.

We don’t take pianos. They’re not really that useful for our clients and we know nothing about them. This one snuck in when the gatekeeper was asleep, so here it is and here we are looking to find it a new home.

It’s an Edward B. Healy labeled upright piano that was actually made by Gulbransen Pianos. We’ve been told that it was recently tuned and the musically inclined punk rockers who work in the warehouse think it is still pretty much in tune, but since it’s not a guitar they’re not totally sure.

I’ve got a rough idea of what I think an older piano that’s in good condition is worth but I’d like to hear some offers to see if it is in the ball park. Please email, call or stop in with offers and I’ll let you know if it is a winner.

Delivery is not available at this time.

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December 23, 2011

A Small Violin Playing Just For You

And it’s playing both kinds of music, Country and Western.  The Country Music Instant Fiddle plays a variety of classic country tunes by artists including Patsy Cline, Hank Williams, and Willie Nelson.

I believe the songs it plays include:

1. Hey, Good Lookin’
2. Crazy
3. All My Exes Live in Texas
4. Oh Susanna
5. Jambalaya
6. Beautiful Dreamer
7. Abilene
8. Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys

The duration of the notes seems to be linked to how fast you play. So, you could perform “Mamas…” as a dirge, or “Hey, Good Lookin’” as the next post-punk speed-metal hit.

it stands about 11 inches tall and works, although the volume level is not impressive. If your crafty it would be a good candidate for modification! Just add a microphone and an arena size speaker stack.

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December 23, 2011

The Perfect Gift For Uncles In New Jersey

Suppose you’re looking for something for a relative we’ll call ‘Uncle George’.

George lives out of town and you won’t have to face him when he gets his present.

You’re also running out of time.

We’ve got your back.

Just get this inflatable fruitcake.

If you send it airmail it should get to Uncle George in Hoboken in plenty of time. Unless they notice that the return address city and zip code don’t match, in which case you’ll be sending next years present from Guantanamo.

Air mail, inflatable fruitcake, Hoboken, Guantanamo. Air mail, inflatable fruitcake, Hoboken, Guantanamo.

It’s like a mantra for modern America: Air mail, inflatable fruitcake, Hoboken, Guantanamo, Om.

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December 11, 2011

“Fabulous” Holiday Sweater

Thank goodness the yule season only happens once a year. Otherwise we’d have to look at stuff like this all year long and I know I couldn’t take it without becoming a sociopathic elf.

This sweater is medium-sized and even has shoulder pads for that extra horrific boxy look that goes so well with the holidays.

 

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December 8, 2011

Musical Portland Rain-Globes

These were made in the 1980′s to celebrate Portland and rain, which is kind of like issuing limited edition igloos and ice floes to the residents of Pt. Barrow.

Regardless, they seem to have had some popularity as we had another one nearly two years ago.

The one we had then played Singing In The Rain and was issued by Nordstrom’s. One of this pair also plays that song but it was sold by Meier & Frank.

The other one plays Rain Drops Keep Fallin’ On My Head (at double time speed) and it was sold at Saks.

Both of them are 6 inches tall.

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December 6, 2011

At This Rate The Sonic Screwdriver Will Never Be Perfected

This is either an assembled art project using found materials or an engineering prototype based on alien technology.

While I suspect the former is more likely I’m really, really hoping it’s the latter.

Whatever it is it appears to be a construction consisting of a clock (an old face with battery operated works), a couple of door handles/drawer pulls, a key, a hinge and one chair or bed frame caster.

I’d guess that would make it a hand-held time machine wouldn’t it?

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November 30, 2011

Mug A Day: Her Ladyship and His Lordship

These should probably be purchased for a couple named Cordelia and Blaine or Henrietta and Chalmers (Chalmsy to his friends). Or perhaps for my friends’ upcoming wedding.

This set of ceramic mugs were made for The National Trust in Staffordshire, England. There is a crown and a fan detail inside each mug. His Lordship is slightly cracked.

November 28, 2011

Commemorative Ash

From the makers of Batholith Buddies we bring you the Ash Cube, Mt. Saint Helens commemorative edition. We have two of these beauties. The good folks at A.S.H. Co.  selected the finest ash available especially for your collection of exploded mountains of the Pacific Northwest.

This collectable come with a 32-page book on the eruption.

You will certainly get your money’s worth of euphemisms.

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